It was weird when he confessed. I remember when i was talking; explaining myself. Why i didn't think it would work out. That i was attached to another. I thought it wasn't such a big deal. How long can someone's crush last? I mean, i'm a different person from the one he first liked. I could've changed for the worst. I didn't hold back, i gave him the truth.
And then he shut off.
Man, it was weird. So fascinating to see how people can change in the blink of an eye. The measures they will take to protect themselves from getting hurt, or to prevent someone else from getting hurt. I don't know. He told me that he can't hang out with me anymore, for he's a bitter one, and he doesn't want that negativity spreading to me.
If i were to give it a metaphor, it would be like chopping your arm off so that you won't starve. Except this isn't a live or die situation. Maybe more of an emotional sense.
As i sat there crying, not wanting to leave because that would be the last time i would see him for all the years i've known him.
And then i got to think about it. If he's liked me all this while. Then the person that i've known the past few years...it weren't really him. I think i've already let go long ago, got used to his absence; i've known that things would never be the same when he left.
Basically general stuff any normal human might think about once in awhile. Their future. Life. Plans. Past.
I'm reviewing all my past achievements and experiences and reflecting on whether it has made me more complete as a person. The past does play a big part into making who i am today. Am i truly satisfied with what i have done so far? If no, what can i do now so that i can be happier with myself in the future?
Sometimes i feel like i'm too caught up trying to perfect everything. It's not healthy. And yet i can' t help but try because if i don't, it would mean that i'm not doing my best. And i can't have that, can i? I don't want to regret something because i didn't give it my all.
Yet, this 'doing the best that i can' attitude is preventing me from starting anything at all. Because i'm afraid of failure. It's quite contradicting, cause it means that i'm not doing anything. Because i don't start, i won't be able to say that i didn't do my best, because i haven't started anything in the first place. I assure you, it doesn't make sense, even to me.
But i still do it. My very core is infused with this unfathomable logic. Combined with my lack of drive and passion, i'm stuck within the barriers of my mind.
Say something I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one, if you want me to. Anywhere I would've followed you.
When i heard this song, a flood of memories rushed through my mind. Of midnight calls and long text messages. Of unbearable silences and the feeling of being on edge. Of the constricting feeling in your chest and the turbulent emotions swirling throughout your mind, body and soul.
You'd give up yourself, who you are, your very being, because you love them so much that you want to be the one. Their one and only. Nothing else matters because how else can you feel so strongly, so intensely, for them? Emotions don't lie. They can be misguided and manipulated, but what you feel is real. They tell you the truth that you don't want to listen to.
And you'd follow them to the ends of the earth. Because to lose them is like to lose a part of yourself. And that's unbearable. But when they don't feel the same way?
You feel unimportant, unwanted. Your world crashes and the change seems so sudden. It becomes a situation where you have no control over. You think back to all the times where you took them for granted and curse yourself for it. You look upon the little things that they did and wonder why didn't you appreciate them more...
Eventually, you know that you're fighting a losing battle. You can't convince the other person. You can't make them change how they feel. Heck, do you even want to? Because that wouldn't mean free will. You want them to love you of their own accord, not because you managed to convince them.
So you finally accept the situation. The one you love just doesn't feel the same. It's time for you to say goodbye.
When you want them to say something to stop you...because you want them to want to stop you. "Say something..."
Sometimes it's hard to choose between pleasing your parents and fulfilling your own desires. At least, that's what i feel.
Being brought up by Asian parents, all my life i've been taught to respect them and to do whatever they say. I, as a good child and daughter, should not question them, go against them or defy them. However, i am a somewhat rebellious teen, and i tend to question my parents decisions.
I know i already have it quite easy compared to other Asian parents, but one of my main conflicts with them is the issue of not being able to go out. Ever since i was a child, i dreaded asking permission from my mom to hang out with my friends, because 99% of the time, i would be rejected straightaway, no questions asked. It came to a point that i would beg my friends to help me ask my mom for permission, as she would conduct a more reasonable approach when conversing with my fellow peers.
When I ask, however...conversation usually goes like this:
'Mom, can i go out with my friends this weekend?'
'No.'
'Why?'
'No.'
'But all my friends are going.'
'No.'
How do you reason with just a 'no'? On the rare instance where she DID allow me to go out, i would have to provide the location, time, other people who would be attending the event etc. (which i didn't mind, but i thought it was such a pain at the time because other kids didn't have to put up with this.)
Of course, that was back when i was in primary school. When i was 'too young'. High school was pretty much the same, although i was allowed a tad more freedom. I still had to ask for permission about a million times before she consented though.
Now that i'm older, i think i can understand why she was overly protective and reluctant to let me out. She didn't really trust the surroundings, environment and strange people. Of course my daughter's too young to protect herself. Surely something would happen to her if i were to let her go out. And as much as unforeseen circumstances go, it's best to stay at home right? Nothing could possibly happen to her precious daughter at home. Home is the best place to be. It's the safest.
Except that her daughter didn't want to stay home all the time. There's nothing to be learnt stuck at home infront of a computer. There's so many things to be experienced outside that tower. All the wonderful things and activities that she could accomplish while she was still full of youth. She yearned to leave. She yearned to live.
Fast forward some years, here i am. I'm still struggling with this problem, although undoubtedly i have been given way more freedom than i could've hoped for in the future. But somehow, it's not enough. Sometimes there are just some activities that require me to exceed the curfew. Activities that help discover who i am, through self-actualization and a development of self-esteem. Activities that make me happy as well.
And when your parents ask you to stop everything, in spite of you being happy. Are you being selfish to deny that? They are your parents after all; they gave their blood, sweat, financial security, to raise you, to bring you up in this world to be who you are today. And yet you are supposed to be your own person and find out what you want in life.
Maybe the answer, to some, is clothed in black and white. I can definitely see the reasons why i should pick filial piety above all else. But somehow, i feel different from what i should do, and what i want to do. And it's kinda hard being torn in two because i know that their actions has shaped me to be who i am today.
I think it's not uncommon; trust is generally earned and not given. You need time for that. However, a mix of bad experience and unfortunate circumstances has rendered me incapable of trusting people very easily. Which can both be a good and bad thing. Good because it means i won't get hurt easily or fooled. Bad because i don't let anybody into my life and it's just hard to forge bonds overall..
Something interesting happened today at dance practice though. I managed to do something that i was really unsure of. It's a stunt they call Shoulder Bird, and i haven't managed to find any exact references, but i did find something similar on YouTube called the Standstill Backflip. It's basically the Standstill Backflip executed about three quarters, and the girl has to hold herself up and basically 'plank' on the guy's shoulder with her arms outstretched.
I've never did something like this before. Ever. Why would i need to? I just live my mundane life, which consists of sitting infront of the computer and finishing my assignments, sleeping late and not exercising. So would you blame me if i said i was TERRIFIED of doing this move? It's supposed to be quite an easy move too.
My dance partner, B, has done this move with other girls before, so he has a fair amount of experience compared to mine, which is nil. I wanted to try it, but it took a lot of coaxing, a demonstration, an experienced spotter and a mattress until i consented to trying it.
I didn't make it. Duh. I ended up dangling upside down while my partner and my spotter had to hold me upright and set me down ever so gently on the floor. Nothing happened. Everything was fine. And you know what i did after that?
I cried.
I think it was the combination of fear and stress that got to me. Fear of turning over upside down, fear of falling down, fear of letting my partner down. Stress, because the competition was just two weeks away, i haven't perfected my dance moves, and if i couldn't go through this hurdle, how are we going to compete? I ended up shaking and crying; i was a nervous wreck; a mess.
After awhile, i calmed down and we tried doing the stunt a few more times. I was still scared. I still didn't make it. To be expected. I DID flip over once, but it was a clumsy, ugly, flip that needed a lot of help from the spotters.
B was telling me that i didn't need to push it; that if i couldn't do the Shoulder Bird, it was okay; that he'd change the routine into something easier. But i didn't want to change the routine. I really wanted to do the Shoulder Bird, but i was. Just. So. Scared. Add this to being disappointed in myself because i was giving so much trouble over one little stunt. My thoughts were something along the lines of:
'This never would have happened with any other girl. I think he made the wrong choice. He should have partnered with someone else.'
And that was actually a breakdown point for me because i was actually enjoying learning to dance better. I liked it, even if it was kinda stressful because of the time constraints; having to shift my timetable to fit dance in and also missing out on yumcha sessions with friends. But it's worth it. Until this problem arose. I was feeling so defeated because i was letting my partner down; he was asking me to put trust in him and i wanted to but i couldn't. I just couldn't, and i felt like crap because the way i dance sucked, and about a ton of other small minor things that added up and filled the pot till it overflowed and i couldn't take it and broke down and i was just sitting there, being comforted by my partner.
Until our dance instructor, J, saw us and asked us what's wrong. After hearing the situation, he made me stand up, told me exactly what we were going to do, how was i to do it, and where to stop doing it; because we weren't executing the move fully yet. The first time, i panicked a bit and cried a little more. After a few tries (without going upside down) where he kept pointing out my mistakes and i tried to rectify them, bit by bit, we managed, although i think i pained his shoulder. Until suddenly...
I did it! It was the weirdest feeling ever. I don't think i felt triumphant...or even happy. I was really grateful. But i suddenly had this sense of disbelief and it was like i was in a dream because i didn't know i could do it. But i did. And even now, i still can't believe it, like i'd forget the next day and cause more problems tomorrow. But i did it a few more times with B after that; albeit a bit shaky, but i managed!
The important thing now is, i did it, even if i didn't think i could. And that i'm so grateful to so many people: B, because he was so supportive and patient with me. And also to a ton of other people in the studio who were super supportive and tried to help by giving comments and feedback. It really meant a lot to me, because i've never really had much confidence to start with. So yeah. It got me thinking that i should trust more.
Move rhythmically to music, typically following a set sequence of steps: "their cheeks were pressed together as they danced".
Noun
A series of movements that match the speed and rhythm of a piece of music.
Synonyms
verb.
hop - leap
noun.
dancing - hop
That's the proper definition of dance. But they never mentioned how hazardous it is to your health! Ever since i started learning this dance called Zouk Lambada, i've been bruised, stepped upon, elbowed, kicked and bumped all over, not to mention the sores my muscles gets after a long dance workout.
But i've also learnt to hold my frame, feel more confident, picked up (some slight) gracefulness, perform stunts, execute dance moves and not wash my hands right after a dance session (yes, i am slightly OCD. I do still think about germs at times but it doesn't bother me that much anymore).
Thing is, when i dance, my mind is like a clean slate. Dancing wipes out all the problems i'm facing out there in the world and forces me to concentrate on the problems in my very own "World of Dance". I'm not sure how to explain it. It's like, when i'm dancing, the only problem i can focus on is getting the steps and body movement right. And when i DO get it right, i feel ecstatic! Because i have never, ever thought that i could be the kind of person that dances. And here i am. Dancing at least once a week.
Plus, i'm participating in a showcase routine competition that's going to be held during Zouk SEA, which is in about 3 weeks time? I would never dream of participating, but my partner coaxed, cajoled, pleaded and asked me so nicely that i had to give in. Little did i know what lay in store for me when i finally said 'yes'.
Been practising for about a month now. Just finished the entire choreography 2 days ago (which is actually quite slow), so we have to polish up on the moves for the weeks to come. Kinda nervous and yet excited at the same time because i've never did this before! This is something so OUT of my comfort zone that i can't imagine ever being well at it (and that is quite hard for me, as i'm a perfectionist who likes to get everything right).
Not only that, i think i might potentially cripple my partner if i'm not careful. I've injured him so many times, it's a wonder he's still willing to go through this with me. I can't imagine the patience one must have to put up with my pessimistic attitude and clumsiness! Really gotta thank him for seeing this through with me so far...
Dance is something new in my life that might never make sense to me. I may always see it as something impossible for me to be good at, but that doesn't mean i don't enjoy trying to do it.
Here's to hoping that my interest towards dance never wanes,
Jwen.
So i've been keeping up with Internet Icon, and this was one of the finalist's videos by Matthias, which really struck a chord in me. I mean, at first i was intrigued by the catchy tune and amazing visuals, but when i actually listened to the lyrics, i realized that...i could really relate to it. And that's why i'm sharing it here, along with the lyrics.
You see that painting up there? Get what it means? Well, i guess someone has to explain it to me if they do, because i sure as heck don't. It just seems like a lot of random splashes on a giant canvas to me. In fact, i don't think i get abstract art in general, because i'm a person that's so rooted in logic and reason. You know what's even more mindblowing? That painting above, sold for about $140 million, which makes it the second-most expensive painting in the world.
That being said, being a perfectionist is no easy task.
Being a perfectionist is twice as insane, crazy and difficult...when you work in the creative industry.
I guess when you've been evaluated your whole life through results based on numbers and the amount of As you get, it's a hard habit to let go. Because you really can't measure creativeness. You can't say for sure whether this work is top-notch or not, because art can be so abstract sometimes, the 'normal' conventions for it just fly out of the window. Just like that painting up there.
I think that's basically what i'm struggling with right now. I mean, i can influence the quality of my work up to a certain degree. In terms of aesthetics however...that's totally out of my control. How do you judge whether this is good or bad, better or worse? The answer is...you can't. Because sometimes beauty just lies in the eye of the beholder, and everybody has their own perception of what beauty is.
In my case...i've been conditioned to think that if more people approve of my work, the better it is. Or if i get a score that's above-average, that somehow confirms the fact that it's good enough.
The point is: i KNOW that you can't put a value on something based on what people think or the ratings people give it. Cause everybody will have their own point of views and opinions, plus everybody's different. I just have to come to terms with that because i somehow feel justified when someone likes my work, because, well, the majority wants to be liked, accepted and approved.
Knowing it and accepting it are two different things though.
I mean, i know that they're supposed to be a place of healing and caring for other people, and i know that doctors & nurses are always trying their best to treat the patients and try and make them comfortable, but somehow...i don't know. There's just this uneasy feeling that i get when i step into the hospital environment.
I'd keep thinking of death and sickness and illness. I don't know why but i just automatically associate that with hospitals. It's not a healthy mindset, i know. I can't shake it off though....it's supposed to be a good place but i keep thinking about the negative side of it. I guess it's just my pessimist side dominating.
Every time i have to accompany someone to the hospital, usually my grandma, i get this feeling that everything is contaminated (although they're probably sterilized cleaner than anything i have at home). Not only that, i'd feel as if i'm contaminated as well, and i'd have to scrub thoroughly when i go home.
I just Googled 'Nosocomephobia', which is the fear of hospitals. I don't think i have something as serious as that, but rather a mild anxiety. Anyway, maybe i'd think otherwise when i'm lying on my deathbed and the doctors are frantically trying to save me.
Just some thought when i was at a hospital today,
Wenzes
Adjective 1. Not adequate; lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose. 2. (of a person) Unable to deal with a situation or with life: "inadequate to the task".
That's the textbook definition. What it DOESN'T tell you, is that when you FEEL inadequate, you feel like crap. No joke.
I just feel somehow... that i'm not up to par. I don't know if i can do it. I don't know if i can keep up. I don't know if i can make it in time.
And all the while, i'm worrying about whether it's good, whether it's okay, whether it's enough, from all aspects. Whether i'm good, whether i'm okay, whether i'm enough.
And i can't help but wonder if people doubt my capabilities. I'm not saying i'm not capable of anything, because i KNOW, with enough practice, time and experience, i can be whatever the hell i want. But i'm just saying that right now, at this point of time, i DO feel incapable. I feel quite useless and a drag, and eventhough i'm doing the best that i can, i still don't feel like it's enough. Or ever going to be enough.
This post was written on the 26th of May, 2013. I've decided to publish it without completing it on the 16th of September, 2013. If i recall, i was thinking about my dance routine while typing this out. And since my performance is over, i don't really have a need for this post anymore. That doesn't mean that i won't ever feel this way again; i just lost the fire to write it. But it still remains an important part of my dancing process, so i've decided to publish it. Signed, Jwen.
That's the traditional output for beginners learning programming, but i never noticed it until i started learning. I guess that's a prime example of how some people don't notice anything until it's staring right at their face. I mean, i've been a frequent user of the Internet since i was 10, and this has only been brought to my attention recently! Not that it's important or anything, but i do wonder what else i've missed along the way.
My life right now is at that stage of contentment. Yes, it gets hectic at times and i get tired trying to finish all my assignments the day before. But i like what i'm learning and i like what i'm doing. I do procrastinate at times though, but seriously, who doesn't?
I'm grateful for what i have. I have a loving and supporting family, great friends who are fun to be with, i'm doing what i love and i love what i'm doing. Of course, i wouldn't say that it's perfect, but right now, it feels like it. So here i am, ready to face the world with what i've got. And i've got a lot.
Okay, maybe not just sometimes. I overthink things a lot.
And i know it's not healthy, and i know it's not good for me, because i tend to jump to conclusions and worry and let anxiety crash over me like this gigantic wave, sort of like an emotional tsunami? And when everything comes falling down in pieces, i lose my composure. But the thing is, i'm bringing it upon myself, aren't i?
If i didn't think so much. If i didn't feel the need to worry or care about anything. Then, whatever happens, whether it be my fears (especially my fears) or my suspicions won't really affect me, would it?
But i can't NOT overthink things. It's just who i am. Like a habit so deeply ingrained into my skull that i can never shake off. Sure, i can brush it away for a short period of time, a temporary reprieve. But the thoughts will always come back to haunt me until i distract myself again.
Or maybe it doesn't come back. Maybe i go to it willingly, like it's a drug then i can't stop taking. I'm a slave to knowledge, no matter how cruel the truth is. How unforgiving it may be. I guess i'm just trying to remind myself that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. And for that, i need a slap of reality in the face.
And i KNOW with every certain fibre of my being that this is not good for me. But why do i still do it? Why, even after i've gone through all this, do i still care? Why am i so....human?
Or maybe it's just because i'm female. Yep, that's definitely gotta be the reason.
No more Skype calls.
No more super long texts.
No more sleeping mid-text.
No more sleeping to the sound of your voice.
No more Facebook chats.
No more texts.
No more visits.
No more dates.
No more night calls.
No more cuddles.
No more hugs.
No more kisses.
No more you.
As i'm typing this, you're probably already on the plane, leaving for Minnesota. Leaving for a place with greener pastures, to further your studies in engineering.
I just came back from the airport.
When i came home, everything felt the same somehow. Nothing has changed, not really. But yet something is different. It's the thought that i won't see you in person again, not for a year at least. It's the thought that we won't be able to hang out and eat together. It's the thought that things just won't be the same anymore, not without you.
All these memories flashing through our heads, reminiscing about the past. These nostalgic moments were the ones that drew all of us together; maintaining our bonds of friendship. We grew up together, had our experiences in school, made fun of ourselves, became friends.
I'm not gonna pretend that i was your closest friend, and that i was always there for you, but you were a really good friend of mine, one of the best i ever had. And i would like it to stay that way, even if you're all the way on the other side of the planet. After all, i don't want to waste the 7 years of friendship that we have. Lets make it a decade before we stop talking to each other, eh? Heh, i'm joking.
Leon Lim, have fun in the states. We all miss you, and we all love you. And you'd better come back again to see us all someday, or I'll go over there just to drag your sorry bum back here.
(See what i did there? Hahahahah. Okay lame.)
No matter, it'll start to fill up soon enough =)
Basically, i created this blog to start anew. I needed to hone my writing skills more (my English is deteriorating, seriously!) Not only that, i really wanted to record down my memories and thoughts as i go through life.
Looking back at the past year, i just realized how much i've forgotten when i don't write it down. So this will be a new start, another attempt on cherishing the events that have long gone past. So that when i look back, i can relieve it all over again and say: 'Ah, those were the good/bad ol' days'. Damn i sound like a grandma.
