Something

Say something I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.

When i heard this song, a flood of memories rushed through my mind. Of midnight calls and long text messages. Of unbearable silences and the feeling of being on edge. Of the constricting feeling in your chest and the turbulent emotions swirling throughout your mind, body and soul.

You'd give up yourself, who you are, your very being, because you love them so much that you want to be the one. Their one and only. Nothing else matters because how else can you feel so strongly, so intensely, for them? Emotions don't lie. They can be misguided and manipulated, but what you feel is real. They tell you the truth that you don't want to listen to.

And you'd follow them to the ends of the earth. Because to lose them is like to lose a part of yourself. And that's unbearable. But when they don't feel the same way?

You feel unimportant, unwanted. Your world crashes and the change seems so sudden. It becomes a situation where you have no control over. You think back to all the times where you took them for granted and curse yourself for it. You look upon the little things that they did and wonder why didn't you appreciate them more...

Eventually, you know that you're fighting a losing battle. You can't convince the other person. You can't make them change how they feel. Heck, do you even want to? Because that wouldn't mean free will. You want them to love you of their own accord, not because you managed to convince them.

So you finally accept the situation. The one you love just doesn't feel the same. It's time for you to say goodbye.




When you want them to say something to stop you...because you want them to want to stop you.
"Say something..."

Perfect

No. 5, 1948, by Jackson Pollock

You see that painting up there? Get what it means? Well, i guess someone has to explain it to me if they do, because i sure as heck don't. It just seems like a lot of random splashes on a giant canvas to me. In fact, i don't think i get abstract art in general, because i'm a person that's so rooted in logic and reason. You know what's even more mindblowing? That painting above, sold for about $140 million, which makes it the second-most expensive painting in the world.

That being said, being a perfectionist is no easy task.

Being a perfectionist is twice as insane, crazy and difficult...when you work in the creative industry.

I guess when you've been evaluated your whole life through results based on numbers and the amount of As you get, it's a hard habit to let go. Because you really can't measure creativeness. You can't say for sure whether this work is top-notch or not, because art can be so abstract sometimes, the 'normal' conventions for it just fly out of the window. Just like that painting up there.

I think that's basically what i'm struggling with right now. I mean, i can influence the quality of my work up to a certain degree. In terms of aesthetics however...that's totally out of my control. How do you judge whether this is good or bad, better or worse? The answer is...you can't. Because sometimes beauty just lies in the eye of the beholder, and everybody has their own perception of what beauty is.

In my case...i've been conditioned to think that if more people approve of my work, the better it is. Or if i get a score that's above-average, that somehow confirms the fact that it's good enough.

The point is: i KNOW that you can't put a value on something based on what people think or the ratings people give it. Cause everybody will have their own point of views and opinions, plus everybody's different. I just have to come to terms with that because i somehow feel justified when someone likes my work, because, well, the majority wants to be liked, accepted and approved.

Knowing it and accepting it are two different things though.

Back to assignments,
Jwen Yap.