Sometimes it's hard to choose between pleasing your parents and fulfilling your own desires. At least, that's what i feel.
Being brought up by Asian parents, all my life i've been taught to respect them and to do whatever they say. I, as a good child and daughter, should not question them, go against them or defy them. However, i am a somewhat rebellious teen, and i tend to question my parents decisions.
I know i already have it quite easy compared to other Asian parents, but one of my main conflicts with them is the issue of not being able to go out. Ever since i was a child, i dreaded asking permission from my mom to hang out with my friends, because 99% of the time, i would be rejected straightaway, no questions asked. It came to a point that i would beg my friends to help me ask my mom for permission, as she would conduct a more reasonable approach when conversing with my fellow peers.
When I ask, however...conversation usually goes like this:
'Mom, can i go out with my friends this weekend?'
'No.'
'Why?'
'No.'
'But all my friends are going.'
'No.'
How do you reason with just a 'no'? On the rare instance where she DID allow me to go out, i would have to provide the location, time, other people who would be attending the event etc. (which i didn't mind, but i thought it was such a pain at the time because other kids didn't have to put up with this.)
Of course, that was back when i was in primary school. When i was 'too young'. High school was pretty much the same, although i was allowed a tad more freedom. I still had to ask for permission about a million times before she consented though.
Now that i'm older, i think i can understand why she was overly protective and reluctant to let me out. She didn't really trust the surroundings, environment and strange people. Of course my daughter's too young to protect herself. Surely something would happen to her if i were to let her go out. And as much as unforeseen circumstances go, it's best to stay at home right? Nothing could possibly happen to her precious daughter at home. Home is the best place to be. It's the safest.
Except that her daughter didn't want to stay home all the time. There's nothing to be learnt stuck at home infront of a computer. There's so many things to be experienced outside that tower. All the wonderful things and activities that she could accomplish while she was still full of youth. She yearned to leave. She yearned to live.
Fast forward some years, here i am. I'm still struggling with this problem, although undoubtedly i have been given way more freedom than i could've hoped for in the future. But somehow, it's not enough. Sometimes there are just some activities that require me to exceed the curfew. Activities that help discover who i am, through self-actualization and a development of self-esteem. Activities that make me happy as well.
And when your parents ask you to stop everything, in spite of you being happy. Are you being selfish to deny that? They are your parents after all; they gave their blood, sweat, financial security, to raise you, to bring you up in this world to be who you are today. And yet you are supposed to be your own person and find out what you want in life.
Maybe the answer, to some, is clothed in black and white. I can definitely see the reasons why i should pick filial piety above all else. But somehow, i feel different from what i should do, and what i want to do. And it's kinda hard being torn in two because i know that their actions has shaped me to be who i am today.
And i want to be free.
Jwen.
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