Trust

Trust is really hard to come by for me.

I think it's not uncommon; trust is generally earned and not given. You need time for that. However, a mix of bad experience and unfortunate circumstances has rendered me incapable of trusting people very easily. Which can both be a good and bad thing. Good because it means i won't get hurt easily or fooled. Bad because i don't let anybody into my life and it's just hard to forge bonds overall..

Something interesting happened today at dance practice though. I managed to do something that i was really unsure of. It's a stunt they call Shoulder Bird, and i haven't managed to find any exact references, but i did find something similar on YouTube called the Standstill Backflip. It's basically the Standstill Backflip executed about three quarters, and the girl has to hold herself up and basically 'plank' on the guy's shoulder with her arms outstretched. 

I've never did something like this before. Ever. Why would i need to? I just live my mundane life, which consists of sitting infront of the computer and finishing my assignments, sleeping late and not exercising. So would you blame me if i said i was TERRIFIED of doing this move? It's supposed to be quite an easy move too.

My dance partner, B, has done this move with other girls before, so he has a fair amount of experience compared to mine, which is nil. I wanted to try it, but it took a lot of coaxing, a demonstration, an experienced spotter and a mattress until i consented to trying it.

I didn't make it. Duh. I ended up dangling upside down while my partner and my spotter had to hold me upright and set me down ever so gently on the floor. Nothing happened. Everything was fine. And you know what i did after that? 

I cried.

I think it was the combination of fear and stress that got to me. Fear of turning over upside down, fear of falling down, fear of letting my partner down. Stress, because the competition was just two weeks away, i haven't perfected my dance moves, and if i couldn't go through this hurdle, how are we going to compete? I ended up shaking and crying; i was a nervous wreck; a mess.

After awhile, i calmed down and we tried doing the stunt a few more times. I was still scared. I still didn't make it. To be expected. I DID flip over once, but it was a clumsy, ugly, flip that needed a lot of help from the spotters. 

B was telling me that i didn't need to push it; that if i couldn't do the Shoulder Bird, it was okay; that he'd change the routine into something easier. But i didn't want to change the routine. I really wanted to do the Shoulder Bird, but i was. Just. So. Scared. Add this to being disappointed in myself because i was giving so much trouble over one little stunt. My thoughts were something along the lines of: 

'This never would have happened with any other girl. I think he made the wrong choice. He should have partnered with someone else.'

And that was actually a breakdown point for me because i was actually enjoying learning to dance better. I liked it, even if it was kinda stressful because of the time constraints; having to shift my timetable to fit dance in and also missing out on yumcha sessions with friends. But it's worth it. Until this problem arose. I was feeling so defeated because i was letting my partner down; he was asking me to put trust in him and i wanted to but i couldn't. I just couldn't, and i felt like crap because the way i dance sucked, and about a ton of other small minor things that added up and filled the pot till it overflowed and i couldn't take it and broke down and i was just sitting there, being comforted by my partner.

Until our dance instructor, J, saw us and asked us what's wrong. After hearing the situation, he made me stand up, told me exactly what we were going to do, how was i to do it, and where to stop doing it; because we weren't executing the move fully yet. The first time, i panicked a bit and cried a little more. After a few tries (without going upside down) where he kept pointing out my mistakes and i tried to rectify them, bit by bit, we managed, although i think i pained his shoulder. Until suddenly...

I did it! It was the weirdest feeling ever. I don't think i felt triumphant...or even happy. I was really grateful. But i suddenly had this sense of disbelief and it was like i was in a dream because i didn't know i could do it. But i did. And even now, i still can't believe it, like i'd forget the next day and cause more problems tomorrow. But i did it a few more times with B after that; albeit a bit shaky, but i managed!

The important thing now is, i did it, even if i didn't think i could. And that i'm so grateful to so many people: B, because he was so supportive and patient with me. And also to a ton of other people in the studio who were super supportive and tried to help by giving comments and feedback. It really meant a lot to me, because i've never really had much confidence to start with. So yeah. It got me thinking that i should trust more.

True story,

Jwen.