Money Museum

On the first of October 2013, my classmates and i went to the Bank Negara Malaysia Museum & Art Gallery as a field trip for my Dynamic Interactivity class.

Museum & Art Gallery.

I'm going to list down my thoughts and answers based on the questions on the handout that my lecturer gave to us to answer.

The outside of the building.

1. What are the first few impressions you have towards the museum? Please describe.
At first i thought that the museum would just display artefacts & list all the information down like a 'regular' museum. However, it's quite different in the sense that it's modern and clean. The interior design is also quite luxurious; overall it has a hotel atmosphere. I guess i could also sum it up in one word. RICH.

Money, money, money; must be funny; in a rich man's world.

2. Can you find something (object/project/image/incident) from this trip that represents the impression you have towards Museum Bank Negara Malaysia?
Oh my goodness it's everywhere. Rich? A bank? Seriously? Money lah!








3. Which part of the museum display/artefacts makes you curious the most? Why?

Just one of the interesting installations that demonstrates the process that happens when you pay to someone's account. From the Economics section.

The section of the museum which piqued my interest most of all would be the Bank Negara Malaysia Gallery. I think it's more interesting than others because instead of history, it gives information about the current banking services and knowledge that we can actually use in the future; how cheques work, the process of banking in money etc.

(However, i would like to point out the fact that i spent the most time in the children's gallery, not because of the information, but because of the interesting interactive installations. Teehee.)


4. Describe your learning experience in this museum as a visitor/tourist. Is the overall experience inviting? Is the information presented in an attractive way?
As a tourist, i would say that some parts of the museum caught my attention more so than others, especially the interactive installations that requires people to 'work' to get the information they want. Most of the information is presented traditionally, but there are also others that are presented via touchscreens or machines which are quite interesting. The only downside are the digital installations that don't work so well, but not everything can be perfect i guess.


5. Do you think the net generation will share any information from the museum to their friends? If yes, what kind of information will they share? If no, why is it not?
As part of the net generation, i wouldn't really share the information from the museum, but i'd share the interesting displays and if any of them ask about it, i'd be happy to explain to them what it's about. I think it's because people like to share things that are out of the ordinary and are interesting compared to everyday life. However, i wouldn't share the information itself (like just words or anything) because i just don't think it would interest most of my friends.

6. If you were to continue finding out more about banknotes design and history in Malaysia, list out 3 questions you would like to ask.

1. Why the need for a change of design? Most of the artistic features stay the same, and the old designs are valued just the same as the new ones. 
2. When the bank notes are discontinued from printing, what happened to the ones that are already existing? Why are they so hard to find these days?
3. What determines the rarity and value of old, historical bank notes?
   (For example, an old, historical RM 20 bank note would be able to sell for RM 200 in 2013)

And now. Time to answer my OWN questions.

1. Why the need for a change of design? Most of the artistic features stay the same, and the old designs are valued just the same as the new ones. 
   To stay ahead of counterfeiting threats and keep counterfeiting levels low. New series of banknotes usually incorporate features that increases security, in line with the latest advancements in banknote technology.
   
   Source: Utusan
2. When bank notes & coins are discontinued from printing, what happened to the ones that are already in circulation? Why are they so hard to find these days?
   Old currency is turned into banks which convert your money into the new monetary unit. The old unit is either destroyed or saved. In many cases people horde the old currency and sell them to collectors.
   
   Source: Yahoo Answers
3. What happens to old paper money?
   The paper used for the dollar bill is a high-quality, linen-based paper that wears very well. Embedded in the paper are fine red and blue strands that you can see if you look closely at the bill. A $1 bill usually lasts about 21 months in regular circulation. $5 and $10 bills wear out fastest because they are used the most. $100 bills last the longest. In contrast, coins last about 25 years in circulation.
   
   Banks collect torn, damaged or badly soiled bills by separating them out daily from what they collect from the public. Banks can exchange the old, worn out money for new bills at the Federal Reserve Bank, which reviews the paper money and determines if it is ready to be retired from the money system. If it is not, the bills are recirculated through the banks. If it is ready to be retired, the Federal Reserve Bank stores it in preparation for destruction.
   
   Source: Ehow
4. What determines the worth/value of old money? There are several factors that influence the value of a coin or bill:
   
   
   Rarity
   Demand
   Condition
   
   
   Rarity involves the number (or "mintage") of coins or bills that were originally produced. Rarity also involves the number of those coins or bills that are still around today.
   
   
   Demand varies according to the popularity and availability of a coin or bill. The demand might be higher or lower in different areas of the world, or during different years.
   
   
   The condition or "grade" is very important. Most price guides give values for several grades. Coins and bills can grade from "mint" or "uncirculated" (no signs of wear) to "poor" (you can tell that it's a coin or bill, but that's about it!). When a bill is in mint condition, it is worth more than the same bill in poor condition.
   
   Source: Finding The Value Of Old Coins & Paper Money
5. Security features of Malaysian bank notes?

• Intaglio (raised printing effect)
• Watermark portrait of Yang di-Pertuan Agong
• Perfect see-through register
• Embedded thread
• Micro-lens security thread
• Coloured glossy patch
• Micro letterings
• Two-coloured fluorescent elements visible only under UV light
• Text & Logo visible under UV light
• Security fibers
  
  Source: Wikipedia; Bank Negara Museum Website

Experiencing money mania,
Jwen Yap.

Please Consume Your Beverage

So today, i met up with a bunch of high school friends. The plan was to meet up with Ks, S, Wl & Jw for dinner at Sunway Giza. Jw was the one who made the suggestion, which was quite surprising since we didn't see him a lot since high school (besides the meetup after the hot dog sales the same week, but that was just a one-time thing).

You would NOT believe how long it took for the waiter to take this picture. Our smiles were frozen onto our faces!

We had dinner at Absolute Thai, which wasn't too bad, considering the price range. Could be better though. Oh yeah, we were wearing semi-formal because Wl & Jw was hosting some event at college before they met up with us; and it was Wl's grand idea for the rest of us to wear semi-formal because, surprise, surprise, they'd look pretty awkward wearing it alone.

So we went along with it and dressed up with them! Heh. I think we look pretty smart.

After dinner, Ks called over another three of our high school friends that we haven't seen in awhile to join us for some drinks and catch up. J, B & Wz. It was quite spontaneous and last minute (usual Malaysian behaviour) but we were quite keen to meet them today because Wz was supposed to go back to UK the very next day for his studies.

After walking around Giza for a little bit, we went to The Beer Factory to have some drinks and play some card games. Speaking of Beer Factory, they recently released this video (which i think they'd hope would go viral) in the hopes that it would promote their brand name, i guess? Hahah. The video was freaking hilarious though! Here it is for reference:

I really thought it was true! But we didn't spend much time discussing it though. It was just something funny for our friends to laugh at. Beer Factory cleared it up by posting this image on Facebook.

Original link here.

Anyway, after we ordered a beer tower, J introduced a drinking game for us to play. Basically, each of us takes a card and holds it on our foreheads. So we can see the cards of others but not ourselves. Then, we decide whether we want to top up the glass in the middle of the table (eventually somebody has to drink it), so we can top up as much as we want. In the end, the person with the smallest card (ascends from Ace to King) has to drink whatever's in the cup.

It was generally an okay game, i guess. Not much thinking in it, just that we had fun targeting our friends to drink more. However, what made it real interesting were the International Drinking Rules that Ks introduced to us. Basically, if you break any of these rules, you have to drink.

International Drinking Rules

1. No saying the word "drink". You would have to say "Consume your beverage" instead.
2. No saying any other player's name, or whatever they are usually known as.
3. No pointing with the finger or thumb. An elbow is permitted.

It sounds quite easy, but we'd slip up pretty easily, especially on the first rule. The idea is that it'd constantly get harder for us to keep our wits, since we'd slowly lose our senses due to consuming alcohol and thus, slip up even more. It was pretty hilarious, because when we got excited catching somebody breaking a rule, we'd often slip up too (since we were caught up in our own excitement).

After a few rounds of J's game, we decided to play another game that Ks introduced to us, called: Ring of Fire. Man, the British are creative.

Here's how the game goes (instructions taken from this site)

Ring of Fire Official Rules:

1. First to set up the game, clear off a table and set a cup in the middle with the deck of cards placed around the cup in a circle.
2. Now get a group of friends to gather around the table, each person having a cup/bottle of alcohol to themselves.
3. Before you start the game you must know what each card stands for:

Picture from Google.

A- Waterfall – Everyone must keep drinking until the person who picked the card stops. So who knows how long you will be going for!
2- is Choose – You can choose someone to drink
3- is Me – You must drink
4- is Whore – All girls drink
5- Thumb Master- When you put your thumb on the table everyone must follow and whomever is last must drink. you are the thumb master till someone else picks a five.
6- is Dicks – All guys drink
7- is Heaven – Point your finger in the sky, whoever is last must drink
8- is Mate – Choose someone to drink with you
9- Rhyme – Pick a word such a dog and the person next to you must rhyme with dog, like log, and it goes to the next person and the next, in a circle, until someone messes up and he or she will have to drink
10- Categories- Pick a category such a football and you go in a circle and everyone has to say a word that fits with football such as: touchdown, field goal, USC. Whoever messes up, drinks.
Jack- Make a Rule – You can make up any rule that everyone has to follow, such as you can only drink with your right hand. Everyone (including you) must follow this rule for the whole entire game and if you disobey you must drink.
Queen- Questions – Go around in a circle and you have to keep asking questions to each other. Doesn’t matter what the question is, as long as its a question. Whoever messes up and does not say a question, drinks.
King- Pour!- You must pour a little of your drink into the cup that is in the middle of the table. Whomever picks up the LAST king must drink the whole cup, which could be filled with different drinks, so who knows how bad it could taste!

We omitted Queen because Ks said it would be quite hard. But we still had so much fun! I think the highlight of the game was how the Jack was used! When B drew a Jack and had to make a rule, he made it that whenever somebody drinks, Ks had to drink. So when Ks drew a Jack, to get back at him, he said that whenever he (Ks) drank, B had to drink! 

But no, it doesn't stop there. Suddenly B draws another Jack, and made the rule that whenever B drinks, Ks has to knock his head on the table! That was the most hilarious part because he has to do it every round! Because the flowchart is like this for each round:

Somebody drinks -> Ks drinks -> B drinks -> Ks knocks his head on the table

It was freaking hilarious. But we left early because Ks & S had to go home, Wl & Jw had to jet off to some other celebration in Subang, i had to go for social dancing and the rest? Well, i guess they had stuff to do as well. Plus we finished the beer tower anyway. 

That's us right before we left! 

Didn't catch up that much, because it was hard to carry a solid conversation inside Beer Factory (without shouting), but it was a pretty fun hangout. I think i'd like to do it again sometime. Probably next year, when the rest of them comes back.

Please consume your beverage (it's stuck in my head) .

Jwen.

Single

Camp 5 feature built in the wall. Talk about brand identity! 

So the highlight of my day was spending the day rock climbing at Camp 5 with my friends! Five of us went in total: Wl, A, Ks & Kn. This is only my third time rock climbing, but my first time going with my kampung friends. 

It was Ks's first time, so we taught him the basics and everything, like the figure 8 knot and how the belay system works. However, only Kn could belay him because Ks weighs quite a bit and if any of us tried, we'd literally fly off the ground. Plus we're not THAT experienced, so we wouldn't know what to do if we flew.

I didn't climb that much today. I only managed one big climb, but all my energy was spent after that, and i couldn't even untie the rope even after i came down. I can be such a girl sometimes. NOT a good thing.

That's me up there!

The Vista Wall that i mentioned earlier in another post. This time i did the orange, although i had to rest about like ten thousand times. I may be exaggerating, but it was a lot. Sigh. It's not that i'm scared of heights; it's just that i don't have enough strength to haul myself up even if i have a good handhold. Time to go for strength training. *glums*

  

That's A up there, in orange.

After that energy-draining climb, i spent most of my time observing how other people climb and helped to belay a bit. I think i'm not much of a hardcore climber, but i guess i like it because it gives me a kind of challenge, plus it makes me feel pumped up, nervous and scared (i think it's the adrenaline) when i'm up real high.

Xiao Long Bao @ Dragon-i.

After climbing, we went for dinner around 8 at Dragon-I (Ks's treat!) and ate some pretty good food. Planned to go for a movie with extra buddies around 9.30pm, so after dinner we met up with Ty & S to watch: 

The Internship!

Some parts were pretty funny, and i like that i can relate a little to what kind of obstacles they had to go through. I'd give it a 6/10. Liked it, but i didn't love it. Oh, but i absolutely LOVED the credit titles though. REAL creative. 

By the time the movie ended it was already 11.45pm, and Ks had to meet up with his parents. So we agreed to drop him off at the front entrance of the new wing, while A would drop us back at our respective homes. However...there was a dilemma of having to squeeze 7 people into the car. 

We jokingly suggested that one of us get into the car boot so that there'll be enough space for everybody, and i was really excited at the thought, so i consented to it! I mean, call me crazy, reckless or irresponsible, but it has been on my bucket list for quite some time now, and this was a great opportunity because the distance wasn't that far, and hey, when am i ever gonna do this in my life? I don't want to waste my youth.

At least now i can say i know how kidnapped people feel.

But that's not the only thing. After S heard about it, she wanted to try it out too! So we did! Two crazy people laughing away at the back of the car whilst we drove all the way to CP to drop S off. Hilarious, heh.

Got some ice cream on the way home too. McD's Banana Crunch sundae. All in all, it was a great way to end a great day.

& loving it,

Jwen.

Filial Piety & Free Will

Sometimes it's hard to choose between pleasing your parents and fulfilling your own desires. At least, that's what i feel.

Being brought up by Asian parents, all my life i've been taught to respect them and to do whatever they say. I, as a good child and daughter, should not question them, go against them or defy them. However, i am a somewhat rebellious teen, and i tend to question my parents decisions.

I know i already have it quite easy compared to other Asian parents, but one of my main conflicts with them is the issue of not being able to go out. Ever since i was a child, i dreaded asking permission from my mom to hang out with my friends, because 99% of the time, i would be rejected straightaway, no questions asked. It came to a point that i would beg my friends to help me ask my mom for permission, as she would conduct a more reasonable approach when conversing with my fellow peers.

When I ask, however...conversation usually goes like this:

'Mom, can i go out with my friends this weekend?'
'No.'
'Why?'
'No.'
'But all my friends are going.'
'No.'

How do you reason with just a 'no'? On the rare instance where she DID allow me to go out, i would have to provide the location, time, other people who would be attending the event etc. (which i didn't mind, but i thought it was such a pain at the time because other kids didn't have to put up with this.)

Of course, that was back when i was in primary school. When i was 'too young'. High school was pretty much the same, although i was allowed a tad more freedom. I still had to ask for permission about a million times before she consented though.

Now that i'm older, i think i can understand why she was overly protective and reluctant to let me out. She didn't really trust the surroundings, environment and strange people. Of course my daughter's too young to protect herself. Surely something would happen to her if i were to let her go out. And as much as unforeseen circumstances go, it's best to stay at home right? Nothing could possibly happen to her precious daughter at home. Home is the best place to be. It's the safest.

Except that her daughter didn't want to stay home all the time. There's nothing to be learnt stuck at home infront of a computer. There's so many things to be experienced outside that tower. All the wonderful things and activities that she could accomplish while she was still full of youth. She yearned to leave. She yearned to live.

Fast forward some years, here i am. I'm still struggling with this problem, although undoubtedly i have been given way more freedom than i could've hoped for in the future. But somehow, it's not enough. Sometimes there are just some activities that require me to exceed the curfew. Activities that help discover who i am, through self-actualization and a development of self-esteem. Activities that make me happy as well.

And when your parents ask you to stop everything, in spite of you being happy. Are you being selfish to deny that? They are your parents after all; they gave their blood, sweat, financial security, to raise you, to bring you up in this world to be who you are today. And yet you are supposed to be your own person and find out what you want in life.

Maybe the answer, to some, is clothed in black and white. I can definitely see the reasons why i should pick filial piety above all else. But somehow, i feel different from what i should do, and what i want to do. And it's kinda hard being torn in two because i know that their actions has shaped me to be who i am today.

And i want to be free.
Jwen.

Reach

Climbed for the first time today! But too bad i don't have any pictures. Was too preoccupied with the experience! Heheh.

My high school friend & fellow dancer, D, decided to teach me as a favour for performing with B at the Law Ball his uni held about 2 weeks back. We didn't really perform well, but it was okay because none of the people there are dancers, so they didn't notice our major screw ups (i hope, heheh).

So anyway, upon arriving Camp 5 @ One Utama, i had to fill in a form for their membership application (although i wasn't applying for a membership), pay RM 12 (rental fee) because the entry fee for a first-timer is free and then collect my shoes & harness from the nice guy at the counter. The shoes squeezes your toes until you can't even move an inch, which i was told to be good, because it means you have a firmer grip.

So yeah, D took me around and was a very good teacher because he was very detailed about everything and knows quite a bit about the place (he used to work at Camp 5), so he taught me all about the different kinds of walls, belays, knots, grades etc. Well, i can't remember them all, but it was nice to have a chance to absorb the knowledge.

I climbed 4 walls in total, the first one was easy because, well, it was my first time. The second time D asked me to only use the blue-coloured rocks and i managed it without much difficulty. The third wall (also only blue rocks) was much taller, i think it was a 5A. I managed to do it but i could feel that i was getting tired, and some parts were slightly harder because i didn't trust my grip enough to hold the features of the wall instead of the coloured rocks. Was kind worried that i'd slip or something.

The 4th time, i climbed the Vista Wall. No grade, because i was allowed to use all the handholds, but i found it really tough, because my arms started losing energy halfway and i didn't know where to put my legs & hands and i was afraid i couldn't grip properly and i slipped a few times. Hahah. Had to rest twice, but i managed to get to the top in the end.

At the end of the session, my hands felt kinda raw, but D told me that was normal. It was a fun experience though, and i wouldn't mind doing it again. It's quite enjoyable to test your limits, challenge yourself and see how far you can go.


I bet i'm gonna feel this tomorrow, though.
Jwen.

Trust

Trust is really hard to come by for me.

I think it's not uncommon; trust is generally earned and not given. You need time for that. However, a mix of bad experience and unfortunate circumstances has rendered me incapable of trusting people very easily. Which can both be a good and bad thing. Good because it means i won't get hurt easily or fooled. Bad because i don't let anybody into my life and it's just hard to forge bonds overall..

Something interesting happened today at dance practice though. I managed to do something that i was really unsure of. It's a stunt they call Shoulder Bird, and i haven't managed to find any exact references, but i did find something similar on YouTube called the Standstill Backflip. It's basically the Standstill Backflip executed about three quarters, and the girl has to hold herself up and basically 'plank' on the guy's shoulder with her arms outstretched. 

I've never did something like this before. Ever. Why would i need to? I just live my mundane life, which consists of sitting infront of the computer and finishing my assignments, sleeping late and not exercising. So would you blame me if i said i was TERRIFIED of doing this move? It's supposed to be quite an easy move too.

My dance partner, B, has done this move with other girls before, so he has a fair amount of experience compared to mine, which is nil. I wanted to try it, but it took a lot of coaxing, a demonstration, an experienced spotter and a mattress until i consented to trying it.

I didn't make it. Duh. I ended up dangling upside down while my partner and my spotter had to hold me upright and set me down ever so gently on the floor. Nothing happened. Everything was fine. And you know what i did after that? 

I cried.

I think it was the combination of fear and stress that got to me. Fear of turning over upside down, fear of falling down, fear of letting my partner down. Stress, because the competition was just two weeks away, i haven't perfected my dance moves, and if i couldn't go through this hurdle, how are we going to compete? I ended up shaking and crying; i was a nervous wreck; a mess.

After awhile, i calmed down and we tried doing the stunt a few more times. I was still scared. I still didn't make it. To be expected. I DID flip over once, but it was a clumsy, ugly, flip that needed a lot of help from the spotters. 

B was telling me that i didn't need to push it; that if i couldn't do the Shoulder Bird, it was okay; that he'd change the routine into something easier. But i didn't want to change the routine. I really wanted to do the Shoulder Bird, but i was. Just. So. Scared. Add this to being disappointed in myself because i was giving so much trouble over one little stunt. My thoughts were something along the lines of: 

'This never would have happened with any other girl. I think he made the wrong choice. He should have partnered with someone else.'

And that was actually a breakdown point for me because i was actually enjoying learning to dance better. I liked it, even if it was kinda stressful because of the time constraints; having to shift my timetable to fit dance in and also missing out on yumcha sessions with friends. But it's worth it. Until this problem arose. I was feeling so defeated because i was letting my partner down; he was asking me to put trust in him and i wanted to but i couldn't. I just couldn't, and i felt like crap because the way i dance sucked, and about a ton of other small minor things that added up and filled the pot till it overflowed and i couldn't take it and broke down and i was just sitting there, being comforted by my partner.

Until our dance instructor, J, saw us and asked us what's wrong. After hearing the situation, he made me stand up, told me exactly what we were going to do, how was i to do it, and where to stop doing it; because we weren't executing the move fully yet. The first time, i panicked a bit and cried a little more. After a few tries (without going upside down) where he kept pointing out my mistakes and i tried to rectify them, bit by bit, we managed, although i think i pained his shoulder. Until suddenly...

I did it! It was the weirdest feeling ever. I don't think i felt triumphant...or even happy. I was really grateful. But i suddenly had this sense of disbelief and it was like i was in a dream because i didn't know i could do it. But i did. And even now, i still can't believe it, like i'd forget the next day and cause more problems tomorrow. But i did it a few more times with B after that; albeit a bit shaky, but i managed!

The important thing now is, i did it, even if i didn't think i could. And that i'm so grateful to so many people: B, because he was so supportive and patient with me. And also to a ton of other people in the studio who were super supportive and tried to help by giving comments and feedback. It really meant a lot to me, because i've never really had much confidence to start with. So yeah. It got me thinking that i should trust more.

True story,

Jwen.

Dance

dance
/dans/

Verb Move rhythmically to music, typically following a set sequence of steps: "their cheeks were pressed together as they danced".

Noun A series of movements that match the speed and rhythm of a piece of music.

Synonyms verb.   hop - leap noun.   dancing - hop

That's the proper definition of dance. But they never mentioned how hazardous it is to your health! Ever since i started learning this dance called Zouk Lambada, i've been bruised, stepped upon, elbowed, kicked and bumped all over, not to mention the sores my muscles gets after a long dance workout.

But i've also learnt to hold my frame, feel more confident, picked up (some slight) gracefulness, perform stunts, execute dance moves and not wash my hands right after a dance session (yes, i am slightly OCD. I do still think about germs at times but it doesn't bother me that much anymore).

Picture from http://www.heritageinstitute.com/ .

Thing is, when i dance, my mind is like a clean slate. Dancing wipes out all the problems i'm facing out there in the world and forces me to concentrate on the problems in my very own "World of Dance". I'm not sure how to explain it. It's like, when i'm dancing, the only problem i can focus on is getting the steps and body movement right. And when i DO get it right, i feel ecstatic! Because i have never, ever thought that i could be the kind of person that dances. And here i am. Dancing at least once a week.

Plus, i'm participating in a showcase routine competition that's going to be held during Zouk SEA, which is in about 3 weeks time? I would never dream of participating, but my partner coaxed, cajoled, pleaded and asked me so nicely that i had to give in. Little did i know what lay in store for me when i finally said 'yes'.

Been practising for about a month now. Just finished the entire choreography 2 days ago (which is actually quite slow), so we have to polish up on the moves for the weeks to come. Kinda nervous and yet excited at the same time because i've never did this before! This is something so OUT of my comfort zone that i can't imagine ever being well at it (and that is quite hard for me, as i'm a perfectionist who likes to get everything right).

Not only that, i think i might potentially cripple my partner if i'm not careful. I've injured him so many times, it's a wonder he's still willing to go through this with me. I can't imagine the patience one must have to put up with my pessimistic attitude and clumsiness! Really gotta thank him for seeing this through with me so far...

Dance is something new in my life that might never make sense to me. I may always see it as something impossible for me to be good at, but that doesn't mean i don't enjoy trying to do it.

Here's to hoping that my interest towards dance never wanes,
Jwen.

Backwards

So i've been keeping up with Internet Icon, and this was one of the finalist's videos by Matthias, which really struck a chord in me. I mean, at first i was intrigued by the catchy tune and amazing visuals, but when i actually listened to the lyrics, i realized that...i could really relate to it. And that's why i'm sharing it here, along with the lyrics.

Backwards, forwards,

I'm exploring the borders of,

Everything I want,

Everything I need,

Lethal Doses,

of my own emotions,

Seep into my dreams,

and Paralyze me,

I pick myself up off the ground,

I keep telling myself,

No, I'm not backing down,

I keep telling myself,

The best is still yet to come,

I keep telling myself,

It's darkest before the dawn,

I'm going backwards,

And I'm made to believe,

I'm moving forwards,

And I'm chasing my dreams

But I'll be,

Just who I want to be, 

Without you controlling,

Controlling me.

Toxic thoughts can make me, 

easily drop this,

But I won't shift my step,

So there's nothing to regret,

I'm broken and coping,

with this broken hope and,

I kept blaming them,

when the doubt came from within,

No more ugly white lies,

I keep telling myself,

This time I'm gonna try,

I'm not just telling myself,

The best is still yet to come,

I keep telling myself,

It's darkest before the dawn,

I'm going backwards,

And I'm made to believe,

I'm moving forwards,

And I'm chasing my dreams

But I'll be,

Just who I want to be, 

Without you controlling,

Controlling me.

I will be seen and be heard

And they hang on my every word

I will break free from the chains

And beat anything you throw in my way

I will be seen and be heard

And they hang on my every word

I will break free from the chains

And beat anything you throw in my way

Perfect

No. 5, 1948, by Jackson Pollock

You see that painting up there? Get what it means? Well, i guess someone has to explain it to me if they do, because i sure as heck don't. It just seems like a lot of random splashes on a giant canvas to me. In fact, i don't think i get abstract art in general, because i'm a person that's so rooted in logic and reason. You know what's even more mindblowing? That painting above, sold for about $140 million, which makes it the second-most expensive painting in the world.

That being said, being a perfectionist is no easy task.

Being a perfectionist is twice as insane, crazy and difficult...when you work in the creative industry.

I guess when you've been evaluated your whole life through results based on numbers and the amount of As you get, it's a hard habit to let go. Because you really can't measure creativeness. You can't say for sure whether this work is top-notch or not, because art can be so abstract sometimes, the 'normal' conventions for it just fly out of the window. Just like that painting up there.

I think that's basically what i'm struggling with right now. I mean, i can influence the quality of my work up to a certain degree. In terms of aesthetics however...that's totally out of my control. How do you judge whether this is good or bad, better or worse? The answer is...you can't. Because sometimes beauty just lies in the eye of the beholder, and everybody has their own perception of what beauty is.

In my case...i've been conditioned to think that if more people approve of my work, the better it is. Or if i get a score that's above-average, that somehow confirms the fact that it's good enough.

The point is: i KNOW that you can't put a value on something based on what people think or the ratings people give it. Cause everybody will have their own point of views and opinions, plus everybody's different. I just have to come to terms with that because i somehow feel justified when someone likes my work, because, well, the majority wants to be liked, accepted and approved.

Knowing it and accepting it are two different things though.

Back to assignments,
Jwen Yap.

Hospitals

I've never liked hospitals.

I mean, i know that they're supposed to be a place of healing and caring for other people, and i know that doctors & nurses are always trying their best to treat the patients and try and make them comfortable, but somehow...i don't know. There's just this uneasy feeling that i get when i step into the hospital environment.

I'd keep thinking of death and sickness and illness. I don't know why but i just automatically associate that with hospitals. It's not a healthy mindset, i know. I can't shake it off though....it's supposed to be a good place but i keep thinking about the negative side of it. I guess it's just my pessimist side dominating.

Every time i have to accompany someone to the hospital, usually my grandma, i get this feeling that everything is contaminated (although they're probably sterilized cleaner than anything i have at home). Not only that, i'd feel as if i'm contaminated as well, and i'd have to scrub thoroughly when i go home.

I just Googled 'Nosocomephobia', which is the fear of hospitals. I don't think i have something as serious as that, but rather a mild anxiety. Anyway, maybe i'd think otherwise when i'm lying on my deathbed and the doctors are frantically trying to save me.


Just some thought when i was at a hospital today,
Wenzes

Inadequacy

in·ad·e·quate  
/inˈadikwit/ 

Adjective
1. Not adequate; lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.
2. (of a person) Unable to deal with a situation or with life: "inadequate to the task". 

Synonyms
insufficient - unsuitable - inappropriate - unfit

That's the textbook definition. What it DOESN'T tell you, is that when you FEEL inadequate, you feel like crap. No joke. I just feel somehow... that i'm not up to par. I don't know if i can do it. I don't know if i can keep up. I don't know if i can make it in time. And all the while, i'm worrying about whether it's good, whether it's okay, whether it's enough, from all aspects. Whether i'm good, whether i'm okay, whether i'm enough. And i can't help but wonder if people doubt my capabilities. I'm not saying i'm not capable of anything, because i KNOW, with enough practice, time and experience, i can be whatever the hell i want. But i'm just saying that right now, at this point of time, i DO feel incapable. I feel quite useless and a drag, and eventhough i'm doing the best that i can, i still don't feel like it's enough. Or ever going to be enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This post was written on the 26th of May, 2013. I've decided to publish it without completing it on the 16th of September, 2013. If i recall, i was thinking about my dance routine while typing this out. And since my performance is over, i don't really have a need for this post anymore. That doesn't mean that i won't ever feel this way again; i just lost the fire to write it. But it still remains an important part of my dancing process, so i've decided to publish it. Signed, Jwen.

Anxiety

This is actually a pretty awesome personification of anxiety. Coupled with the eerie soundtrack and literary words, it gives a pretty haunting feeling.

Hello, World!

Hello World.

That's the traditional output for beginners learning programming, but i never noticed it until i started learning. I guess that's a prime example of how some people don't notice anything until it's staring right at their face. I mean, i've been a frequent user of the Internet since i was 10, and this has only been brought to my attention recently! Not that it's important or anything, but i do wonder what else i've missed along the way.

My life right now is at that stage of contentment. Yes, it gets hectic at times and i get tired trying to finish all my assignments the day before. But i like what i'm learning and i like what i'm doing. I do procrastinate at times though, but seriously, who doesn't?

I'm grateful for what i have. I have a loving and supporting family, great friends who are fun to be with, i'm doing what i love and i love what i'm doing. Of course, i wouldn't say that it's perfect, but right now, it feels like it. So here i am, ready to face the world with what i've got. And i've got a lot.


Hello World,
Wenzes

Thoughts

Sometimes, i overthink things.

Okay, maybe not just sometimes. I overthink things a lot.

And i know it's not healthy, and i know it's not good for me, because i tend to jump to conclusions and worry and let anxiety crash over me like this gigantic wave, sort of like an emotional tsunami? And when everything comes falling down in pieces, i lose my composure. But the thing is, i'm bringing it upon myself, aren't i?

If i didn't think so much. If i didn't feel the need to worry or care about anything. Then, whatever happens, whether it be my fears (especially my fears) or my suspicions won't really affect me, would it?

But i can't NOT overthink things. It's just who i am. Like a habit so deeply ingrained into my skull that i can never shake off. Sure, i can brush it away for a short period of time, a temporary reprieve. But the thoughts will always come back to haunt me until i distract myself again.

Or maybe it doesn't come back. Maybe i go to it willingly, like it's a drug then i can't stop taking. I'm a slave to knowledge, no matter how cruel the truth is. How unforgiving it may be. I guess i'm just trying to remind myself that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. And for that, i need a slap of reality in the face.

And i KNOW with every certain fibre of my being that this is not good for me. But why do i still do it? Why, even after i've gone through all this, do i still care? Why am i so....human?

Or maybe it's just because i'm female. Yep, that's definitely gotta be the reason.