Trust

Trust is really hard to come by for me.

I think it's not uncommon; trust is generally earned and not given. You need time for that. However, a mix of bad experience and unfortunate circumstances has rendered me incapable of trusting people very easily. Which can both be a good and bad thing. Good because it means i won't get hurt easily or fooled. Bad because i don't let anybody into my life and it's just hard to forge bonds overall..

Something interesting happened today at dance practice though. I managed to do something that i was really unsure of. It's a stunt they call Shoulder Bird, and i haven't managed to find any exact references, but i did find something similar on YouTube called the Standstill Backflip. It's basically the Standstill Backflip executed about three quarters, and the girl has to hold herself up and basically 'plank' on the guy's shoulder with her arms outstretched. 

I've never did something like this before. Ever. Why would i need to? I just live my mundane life, which consists of sitting infront of the computer and finishing my assignments, sleeping late and not exercising. So would you blame me if i said i was TERRIFIED of doing this move? It's supposed to be quite an easy move too.

My dance partner, B, has done this move with other girls before, so he has a fair amount of experience compared to mine, which is nil. I wanted to try it, but it took a lot of coaxing, a demonstration, an experienced spotter and a mattress until i consented to trying it.

I didn't make it. Duh. I ended up dangling upside down while my partner and my spotter had to hold me upright and set me down ever so gently on the floor. Nothing happened. Everything was fine. And you know what i did after that? 

I cried.

I think it was the combination of fear and stress that got to me. Fear of turning over upside down, fear of falling down, fear of letting my partner down. Stress, because the competition was just two weeks away, i haven't perfected my dance moves, and if i couldn't go through this hurdle, how are we going to compete? I ended up shaking and crying; i was a nervous wreck; a mess.

After awhile, i calmed down and we tried doing the stunt a few more times. I was still scared. I still didn't make it. To be expected. I DID flip over once, but it was a clumsy, ugly, flip that needed a lot of help from the spotters. 

B was telling me that i didn't need to push it; that if i couldn't do the Shoulder Bird, it was okay; that he'd change the routine into something easier. But i didn't want to change the routine. I really wanted to do the Shoulder Bird, but i was. Just. So. Scared. Add this to being disappointed in myself because i was giving so much trouble over one little stunt. My thoughts were something along the lines of: 

'This never would have happened with any other girl. I think he made the wrong choice. He should have partnered with someone else.'

And that was actually a breakdown point for me because i was actually enjoying learning to dance better. I liked it, even if it was kinda stressful because of the time constraints; having to shift my timetable to fit dance in and also missing out on yumcha sessions with friends. But it's worth it. Until this problem arose. I was feeling so defeated because i was letting my partner down; he was asking me to put trust in him and i wanted to but i couldn't. I just couldn't, and i felt like crap because the way i dance sucked, and about a ton of other small minor things that added up and filled the pot till it overflowed and i couldn't take it and broke down and i was just sitting there, being comforted by my partner.

Until our dance instructor, J, saw us and asked us what's wrong. After hearing the situation, he made me stand up, told me exactly what we were going to do, how was i to do it, and where to stop doing it; because we weren't executing the move fully yet. The first time, i panicked a bit and cried a little more. After a few tries (without going upside down) where he kept pointing out my mistakes and i tried to rectify them, bit by bit, we managed, although i think i pained his shoulder. Until suddenly...

I did it! It was the weirdest feeling ever. I don't think i felt triumphant...or even happy. I was really grateful. But i suddenly had this sense of disbelief and it was like i was in a dream because i didn't know i could do it. But i did. And even now, i still can't believe it, like i'd forget the next day and cause more problems tomorrow. But i did it a few more times with B after that; albeit a bit shaky, but i managed!

The important thing now is, i did it, even if i didn't think i could. And that i'm so grateful to so many people: B, because he was so supportive and patient with me. And also to a ton of other people in the studio who were super supportive and tried to help by giving comments and feedback. It really meant a lot to me, because i've never really had much confidence to start with. So yeah. It got me thinking that i should trust more.

True story,

Jwen.

Dance

dance
/dans/

Verb Move rhythmically to music, typically following a set sequence of steps: "their cheeks were pressed together as they danced".

Noun A series of movements that match the speed and rhythm of a piece of music.

Synonyms verb.   hop - leap noun.   dancing - hop

That's the proper definition of dance. But they never mentioned how hazardous it is to your health! Ever since i started learning this dance called Zouk Lambada, i've been bruised, stepped upon, elbowed, kicked and bumped all over, not to mention the sores my muscles gets after a long dance workout.

But i've also learnt to hold my frame, feel more confident, picked up (some slight) gracefulness, perform stunts, execute dance moves and not wash my hands right after a dance session (yes, i am slightly OCD. I do still think about germs at times but it doesn't bother me that much anymore).

Picture from http://www.heritageinstitute.com/ .

Thing is, when i dance, my mind is like a clean slate. Dancing wipes out all the problems i'm facing out there in the world and forces me to concentrate on the problems in my very own "World of Dance". I'm not sure how to explain it. It's like, when i'm dancing, the only problem i can focus on is getting the steps and body movement right. And when i DO get it right, i feel ecstatic! Because i have never, ever thought that i could be the kind of person that dances. And here i am. Dancing at least once a week.

Plus, i'm participating in a showcase routine competition that's going to be held during Zouk SEA, which is in about 3 weeks time? I would never dream of participating, but my partner coaxed, cajoled, pleaded and asked me so nicely that i had to give in. Little did i know what lay in store for me when i finally said 'yes'.

Been practising for about a month now. Just finished the entire choreography 2 days ago (which is actually quite slow), so we have to polish up on the moves for the weeks to come. Kinda nervous and yet excited at the same time because i've never did this before! This is something so OUT of my comfort zone that i can't imagine ever being well at it (and that is quite hard for me, as i'm a perfectionist who likes to get everything right).

Not only that, i think i might potentially cripple my partner if i'm not careful. I've injured him so many times, it's a wonder he's still willing to go through this with me. I can't imagine the patience one must have to put up with my pessimistic attitude and clumsiness! Really gotta thank him for seeing this through with me so far...

Dance is something new in my life that might never make sense to me. I may always see it as something impossible for me to be good at, but that doesn't mean i don't enjoy trying to do it.

Here's to hoping that my interest towards dance never wanes,
Jwen.

Backwards

So i've been keeping up with Internet Icon, and this was one of the finalist's videos by Matthias, which really struck a chord in me. I mean, at first i was intrigued by the catchy tune and amazing visuals, but when i actually listened to the lyrics, i realized that...i could really relate to it. And that's why i'm sharing it here, along with the lyrics.

Backwards, forwards,

I'm exploring the borders of,

Everything I want,

Everything I need,

Lethal Doses,

of my own emotions,

Seep into my dreams,

and Paralyze me,

I pick myself up off the ground,

I keep telling myself,

No, I'm not backing down,

I keep telling myself,

The best is still yet to come,

I keep telling myself,

It's darkest before the dawn,

I'm going backwards,

And I'm made to believe,

I'm moving forwards,

And I'm chasing my dreams

But I'll be,

Just who I want to be, 

Without you controlling,

Controlling me.

Toxic thoughts can make me, 

easily drop this,

But I won't shift my step,

So there's nothing to regret,

I'm broken and coping,

with this broken hope and,

I kept blaming them,

when the doubt came from within,

No more ugly white lies,

I keep telling myself,

This time I'm gonna try,

I'm not just telling myself,

The best is still yet to come,

I keep telling myself,

It's darkest before the dawn,

I'm going backwards,

And I'm made to believe,

I'm moving forwards,

And I'm chasing my dreams

But I'll be,

Just who I want to be, 

Without you controlling,

Controlling me.

I will be seen and be heard

And they hang on my every word

I will break free from the chains

And beat anything you throw in my way

I will be seen and be heard

And they hang on my every word

I will break free from the chains

And beat anything you throw in my way

Perfect

No. 5, 1948, by Jackson Pollock

You see that painting up there? Get what it means? Well, i guess someone has to explain it to me if they do, because i sure as heck don't. It just seems like a lot of random splashes on a giant canvas to me. In fact, i don't think i get abstract art in general, because i'm a person that's so rooted in logic and reason. You know what's even more mindblowing? That painting above, sold for about $140 million, which makes it the second-most expensive painting in the world.

That being said, being a perfectionist is no easy task.

Being a perfectionist is twice as insane, crazy and difficult...when you work in the creative industry.

I guess when you've been evaluated your whole life through results based on numbers and the amount of As you get, it's a hard habit to let go. Because you really can't measure creativeness. You can't say for sure whether this work is top-notch or not, because art can be so abstract sometimes, the 'normal' conventions for it just fly out of the window. Just like that painting up there.

I think that's basically what i'm struggling with right now. I mean, i can influence the quality of my work up to a certain degree. In terms of aesthetics however...that's totally out of my control. How do you judge whether this is good or bad, better or worse? The answer is...you can't. Because sometimes beauty just lies in the eye of the beholder, and everybody has their own perception of what beauty is.

In my case...i've been conditioned to think that if more people approve of my work, the better it is. Or if i get a score that's above-average, that somehow confirms the fact that it's good enough.

The point is: i KNOW that you can't put a value on something based on what people think or the ratings people give it. Cause everybody will have their own point of views and opinions, plus everybody's different. I just have to come to terms with that because i somehow feel justified when someone likes my work, because, well, the majority wants to be liked, accepted and approved.

Knowing it and accepting it are two different things though.

Back to assignments,
Jwen Yap.