Confession

It was weird when he confessed. I remember when i was talking; explaining myself. Why i didn't think it would work out. That i was attached to another. I thought it wasn't such a big deal. How long can someone's crush last? I mean, i'm a different person from the one he first liked. I could've changed for the worst. I didn't hold back, i gave him the truth.

And then he shut off.

Man, it was weird. So fascinating to see how people can change in the blink of an eye. The measures they will take to protect themselves from getting hurt, or to prevent someone else from getting hurt. I don't know. He told me that he can't hang out with me anymore, for he's a bitter one, and he doesn't want that negativity spreading to me.

If i were to give it a metaphor, it would be like chopping your arm off so that you won't starve. Except this isn't a live or die situation. Maybe more of an emotional sense.

As i sat there crying, not wanting to leave because that would be the last time i would see him for all the years i've known him.

And then i got to think about it. If he's liked me all this while. Then the person that i've known the past few years...it weren't really him. I think i've already let go long ago, got used to his absence; i've known that things would never be the same when he left.

And it will never be the same again.


Jwen.

Introspective

Thinking. Musing. Pondering. Wondering.

What about?

Basically general stuff any normal human might think about once in awhile. Their future. Life. Plans. Past.

I'm reviewing all my past achievements and experiences and reflecting on whether it has made me more complete as a person. The past does play a big part into making who i am today. Am i truly satisfied with what i have done so far? If no, what can i do now so that i can be happier with myself in the future?

Sometimes i feel like i'm too caught up trying to perfect everything. It's not healthy. And yet i can' t help but try because if i don't, it would mean that i'm not doing my best. And i can't have that, can i? I don't want to regret something because i didn't give it my all.

Yet, this 'doing the best that i can' attitude is preventing me from starting anything at all. Because i'm afraid of failure. It's quite contradicting, cause it means that i'm not doing anything. Because i don't start, i won't be able to say that i didn't do my best, because i haven't started anything in the first place. I assure you, it doesn't make sense, even to me.

But i still do it. My very core is infused with this unfathomable logic. Combined with my lack of drive and passion, i'm stuck within the barriers of my mind.

I wish i could break out of this loop.

Something

Say something I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.

When i heard this song, a flood of memories rushed through my mind. Of midnight calls and long text messages. Of unbearable silences and the feeling of being on edge. Of the constricting feeling in your chest and the turbulent emotions swirling throughout your mind, body and soul.

You'd give up yourself, who you are, your very being, because you love them so much that you want to be the one. Their one and only. Nothing else matters because how else can you feel so strongly, so intensely, for them? Emotions don't lie. They can be misguided and manipulated, but what you feel is real. They tell you the truth that you don't want to listen to.

And you'd follow them to the ends of the earth. Because to lose them is like to lose a part of yourself. And that's unbearable. But when they don't feel the same way?

You feel unimportant, unwanted. Your world crashes and the change seems so sudden. It becomes a situation where you have no control over. You think back to all the times where you took them for granted and curse yourself for it. You look upon the little things that they did and wonder why didn't you appreciate them more...

Eventually, you know that you're fighting a losing battle. You can't convince the other person. You can't make them change how they feel. Heck, do you even want to? Because that wouldn't mean free will. You want them to love you of their own accord, not because you managed to convince them.

So you finally accept the situation. The one you love just doesn't feel the same. It's time for you to say goodbye.




When you want them to say something to stop you...because you want them to want to stop you.
"Say something..."